Dragtastic

Let me start this off by saying I am not now, nor have I ever been, a drag queen. Come to think of it, I’ve never been any sort of queen, but I have still learned things about being a woman from a bunch of men.

With that being said, I have found myself immersed in the world of drag queens with RuPaul’s Drag Race.  This is a competition to become the next drag superstar. Now, prior to this show, I could have named precisely one drag queen superstar, RuPaul, who has managed to create a career for herself and boy, is LOGO TV grateful for it.  If it weren’t for RuPaul’s various drag shows, including Drag U (a makeover show done by drag queens on ordinary women) and Untucked, a behind the scenes look at the current crop of competitor’s on Drag Race, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the station would be a test pattern for many hours.

But I digress. Drag Race consists of various queens from various parts of the U.S. who compete for weekly prizes like fake sets of boobs or the always needed wigs, but more importantly, a chance to win the affections of Mama Ru. The challenges seem to be set up to eliminate the fat girls right off the bat. The very first challenge was to bounce on a trampoline and pose for a holiday calendar. The fat queens, Delta Works, MiMi Imfurst (the best name for this season) and Stacy Layne Matthews, could barely get off the ground.

Another challenge, a work-out video, was also not made for the fat girls. Some things were never meant to be seen in a leotard.

Now Ru does seem to have her favorites. Shangela, the first queen eliminated from Season 2, was brought back for this season and Mama Ru is making sure her ugly duckling has the chance to become a swan superstar.

Now Shangela is type of queen that will attack anyone while telling them how she isn’t doing anything behind their back she wouldn’t do to their face. Can I get a Hallaleuh?  She perpetuates the black woman stereotype of I-am-fierce-and-nothin’-you-do-is-gonna-change-it, which she feels give her permission to be an outright capital B witch to the other contestants.

One other contestant deserves some discussion, Raja. She is a make-up artist on America’s Next Top Model, so she knows how the game is played. She has made appearances on Top in her drag persona and as a drag version of Tyra Banks. Half the time. Raja is amazing.The other half of the time she over thinks everything she does and is about as exciting as rotten cantaloupe that rolled under the seat of your new car. She has learned a thing or two about a runway walk from Mama Tyra, but she can lack the fierce in other challenges. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cheering for Raja, but girl better bring it.

Now, for what I have learned from this show:

1.       If you are fat, have big hair. It helps establish a better proportion for you. Good to know. 

2.       If you don’t like your boobs or butt or any other part of your anatomy, grab your couch cushions and carve yourself a new pair. Most of these queens are flat chested, scrawny men who have a wicked way with an Exacto knife and a piece of foam. While you're at it,  don’t rely on beauty. There has to be some sort of substance behind the beauty. 

3.      Drinking helps increase the drama of a show. Absolute Vodka is a sponsor of the show and the queens visit the Absolute Lounge for cocktails while the judges deliberate. My only complaint is they don’t give them enough time to get truly hammered. It would either be hysterical or pornographic. Either way, it’s a win. 

4.       Watermelon-Bubble gum can be substituted when you don't know the right words when lip-synching for your life, so that you don’t have to sashay away. 

5.       A really good tuck can make a man in a bikini hotter than a girl in the same bikini. See below, it will explain it all.

The most important lesson from the show comes from Mama Ru herself at the end of each show, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are ya gonna love somebody else?” Isn’t that a great message regardless of your gender or orientation.