Dragtastic

Let me start this off by saying I am not now, nor have I ever been, a drag queen. Come to think of it, I’ve never been any sort of queen, but I have still learned things about being a woman from a bunch of men.

With that being said, I have found myself immersed in the world of drag queens with RuPaul’s Drag Race.  This is a competition to become the next drag superstar. Now, prior to this show, I could have named precisely one drag queen superstar, RuPaul, who has managed to create a career for herself and boy, is LOGO TV grateful for it.  If it weren’t for RuPaul’s various drag shows, including Drag U (a makeover show done by drag queens on ordinary women) and Untucked, a behind the scenes look at the current crop of competitor’s on Drag Race, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the station would be a test pattern for many hours.

But I digress. Drag Race consists of various queens from various parts of the U.S. who compete for weekly prizes like fake sets of boobs or the always needed wigs, but more importantly, a chance to win the affections of Mama Ru. The challenges seem to be set up to eliminate the fat girls right off the bat. The very first challenge was to bounce on a trampoline and pose for a holiday calendar. The fat queens, Delta Works, MiMi Imfurst (the best name for this season) and Stacy Layne Matthews, could barely get off the ground.

Another challenge, a work-out video, was also not made for the fat girls. Some things were never meant to be seen in a leotard.

Now Ru does seem to have her favorites. Shangela, the first queen eliminated from Season 2, was brought back for this season and Mama Ru is making sure her ugly duckling has the chance to become a swan superstar.

Now Shangela is type of queen that will attack anyone while telling them how she isn’t doing anything behind their back she wouldn’t do to their face. Can I get a Hallaleuh?  She perpetuates the black woman stereotype of I-am-fierce-and-nothin’-you-do-is-gonna-change-it, which she feels give her permission to be an outright capital B witch to the other contestants.

One other contestant deserves some discussion, Raja. She is a make-up artist on America’s Next Top Model, so she knows how the game is played. She has made appearances on Top in her drag persona and as a drag version of Tyra Banks. Half the time. Raja is amazing.The other half of the time she over thinks everything she does and is about as exciting as rotten cantaloupe that rolled under the seat of your new car. She has learned a thing or two about a runway walk from Mama Tyra, but she can lack the fierce in other challenges. Don’t get me wrong, I’m cheering for Raja, but girl better bring it.

Now, for what I have learned from this show:

1.       If you are fat, have big hair. It helps establish a better proportion for you. Good to know. 

2.       If you don’t like your boobs or butt or any other part of your anatomy, grab your couch cushions and carve yourself a new pair. Most of these queens are flat chested, scrawny men who have a wicked way with an Exacto knife and a piece of foam. While you're at it,  don’t rely on beauty. There has to be some sort of substance behind the beauty. 

3.      Drinking helps increase the drama of a show. Absolute Vodka is a sponsor of the show and the queens visit the Absolute Lounge for cocktails while the judges deliberate. My only complaint is they don’t give them enough time to get truly hammered. It would either be hysterical or pornographic. Either way, it’s a win. 

4.       Watermelon-Bubble gum can be substituted when you don't know the right words when lip-synching for your life, so that you don’t have to sashay away. 

5.       A really good tuck can make a man in a bikini hotter than a girl in the same bikini. See below, it will explain it all.

The most important lesson from the show comes from Mama Ru herself at the end of each show, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are ya gonna love somebody else?” Isn’t that a great message regardless of your gender or orientation.

Home Disasters

We've all seen the TV sitcom where the water pipe breaks and the comedy follows. Why did no one tell me real life wasn't like this?

Now my issue isn't with the water pipe, its with the drain. Right now, every drain in my house keeps backing up. It has done wonders to open my eyes to the things we take for granted, like being able to flush the toilet and not have fecal matter flood the bathroom.  I have also discovered I can't do a load of laundry because the washer draining fills the bath tub with water. If problems solved like the sitcoms, this would be a great thing. I would be thrilled if it just resolved in a two part episode, as opposed to a entire season.

I started by going to the local hardware store for something to clear the drains. I was informed it was a city sewage issue. I called the city and was informed the sewage department didn't handle sewers and I had to call the water company. After explaining that I would think the sewage department would handle the sewer issue since sewer is in their name, I was told huffily to hang on and they would connect me to someone who would know what is going on. That person told me they would come out and let me know later that day what was going on.

Needless to say, no one showed that day or the next. Calls to the department went unanswered. When I finally got through on Monday, I was told they would transfer me to Tim's voice mail. The name on the voice mail was Don. I called back and explained that I was told to leave a message for Tim, but got Don's voice mail.  I was told Tim didn't have voice mail but Don would get a message to him. He always does.

In the mean time, I contacted a plumber online who guaranteed they would be out the same day. After waiting 4 hours for a response as promised from their website, I called their office just to be told the town I live in wasn't in their area. Really??? Then why did they spend the money to advertise that they were a local company handling my county?

The sewage company came out and of course, the issue is in my system. I have a different plumber coming out tomorrow.

Now, according to my sitcom training, this should have resolved in 23-25 minutes, allowing for commercials and local news promos about some mass murdering rapist that is sure to strike me down if I don't watch the 11:00 news. So, why is this taking me days to fix? Is there a witch living in the neighborhood in Bewitched style that has cursed me in some way?

So, where is the comedy in all of this? Bloody good question? The nearest I can tell, the humor is in the eye of the beholder and that Murphy guy is really laughing hard today!

Where You Should Never Go Part 1 (Washington D.C. Area)

This will be a recurring theme simply because there are bunches of places you should never, ever go.

In this episode, we will address being in the United States Navy or Marines and NCIS.

On the left is a picture of the cast with Kate, the former Secret Service member who is later killed by Ziva's half-brother, Ari, who she later kills to save Gibbs. From left to right, we have Tony, Dr. "Duckie" Mallard, Abby, Gibbs, McGee and Kate.

The next picture is of the cast with the addition of Ziva David,the Israeli liaison, is the woman standing in the black dress.

Now that you have been introduced to the group, we can proceed on why you should never visit the Washington DC area if you are in the U.S. Navy or Marines. It is quite simple, it's not safe.

Every week, Gibbs' team is tasked with investigating the death of a sailor or marine in the Washington D. C. area. The poor sailor or marine is found in dead by some gruesome means such as being found under a frozen pond, in pieces in a 55 gallon drum. floating in a stagnant above ground swimming pool, murdered by Gibbs' former mother-in-law, by an unknown virus on a ship at sea or a bomb. Considering there are 175 episodes to date, including tonight's episode, in 8 seasons, that's a pretty high death total.

Now, I know sailors and marines expect to be under fire and possibly die for their country. However, I don't think it is in their expectations to die from being stuffed in a Civil War coffin and buried alive. It is expected to die in a war zone, not while on leave or from sabotage from one of your buddies cutting the ropes as you climb a wall in training.

Now there are rules to live by, according to Gibbs. However, it's hard to obey rules set forward by a man who bears a striking resemblance to Ted Bundy.  (The made for TV movie, Deliberate Stranger, 1986, starred Mark Harmon, also known as Leroy Jethro Gibbs.)

So, if you are now or have ever been in the navy or marines, you have been warned. Do not go any where near Washington D.C. or Los Angeles. Although NCIS: Los Angeles has only been on the air for two years, it is doing well in the ratings and can expect to rack up just as high of a body count as the original NCIS.

Happy New Year and All That Rot!

I've been thinking about New Year's Eve over the last few days. Has anyone else noticed that it went from being a TV holiday to being skipped over to fast forward to Valentine's Day? Let's explore the reasons to celebrate New Year's Eve on a sitcom, shall we?

What do many people do for New Year's Eve?  They go out with a date, get drunk and, in general, act like a fool. It's expected. Isn't the TV sitcom the perfect place for this?

Take a show like Three and Half Men. The possibilities are endless. How about Charlie wakes up on the beach wearing a woman's dress and heels, but can't remember who's they are? Let's have Alan wake up in bed with Berta, the housekeeper. Better yet, let's have Jake walk in on the two of them in bed together. Now, this has possibilities, especially if the dress belongs to Charlie's mother, Evelyn. It's gotta be better than another Viagra joke.

$#*!  My Dad Says has possibilities for a funny New Year's Eve episode, too. How about Vince and Bonnie set Henry up with a blind date for the night that becomes smitten with Ed? And she turns out to be a hooker? See, it's not hard to do. And, it would have to be funnier than some of the episodes of the show that I've seen.

I would do How I Met Your Mother, but that show only has one redeeming quality, Barney (Neil Patrick Harris). I would also do the sitcoms on NBC or ABC, but I don't watch any of them. The only comedies I watch on Fox are the animated ones and those have their own rules. And I'm pretty sure the CW doesn't count as a major network.

So, with a sad face at the lack of celebration on TV sitcoms on what is potentially a huge laugh riot, I wish you all a Happy New Year.